An Unorthodox Telling of Rapunzel
by Lora Browning
Summary: A funny telling of my favorite fairy tale. Please read.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok this is from me, I don't write comedy a lot but everyone keeps telling me I'm a funny person so here it is, my stab at being funny. My favorite fairy tale, and yes I do collect them, has always been Rapunzel so I leaped at the chance to get to rewrite from my own viewpoint. Here it is, the story is written from Rapunzel's POV.**

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You know that child in every elementary school class, the spoiled one who gets everything he ever wanted and has a soccer mom who bakes cupcakes for his class on his birthday? Well no matter how well-intentioned that loving mother is, there is always a child left out. Now no one means for the child to be left out, least of all the caring mother but it happens time and again. Well I am that child. Except in this case its not an elementary school classroom; its life. And it isn't cupcakes. It's husbands.

Well not just any husband of course. As a princess of the land I can't marry just anyone. I have to at least marry a duke if not a prince. Unfortunately for me there are no more cupcakes, uh I mean princes. And if that wasn't bad enough my parents named me after a vegetable. Granted a lesser known vegetable that my mother had a serious fetish with, but still a vegetable. Yep that's me, in the chair off to the side of the ballroom. Once again without even the sight of someone to dance one. And yes, there across the room is my father once again embarrassed to have whelped an utter and complete loser.

Even if I'm not a complete loser. Actually I'm a phenomenal singer and if anyone would ever ask me to dance I'm really good at that too. But no one ever does. Ever. Well wait maybe that's Duke Whats-his-name coming over this way? Nope. Turned around, going over to talk to some other princess who is. Yep she's tall and beautiful. Damn. That's another of my failings; I'm vertically challenged.

Let me tell you how the story usually goes. There's a beautiful princess. She is raised in all happiness and blah, blah, blah. Then when the fair young maiden reaches an appropriate age she attends a ball. Where she meets a handsome prince and they live happily ever after. Oh sure sometimes theres an evil stepmother involved or a fire-filled moat, or my personal favorite the prince has some deformity, such as; stuck as a frog, that can only be cured by a kiss. Bleah, overrated if you ask me which come to think of it, no one ever has. Anyway that's what usually happens. Unfortunately I've been to a countless number of balls, even thrown a few myself and I am still without a husband or even a dancing partner.

Thus my life in a nutshell. And I suppose some of this is why father came to the hair brained decision to lock me up in a tower. Of course he's blaming it on some evil witch or enchantress or I don't know I suppose I wasn't paying very close attention to what was going on. That or I was unconscious. You know, I think I'm going to go with the unconscious choice there. Anyway now I'm stuck in this incredibly tall tower out in the middle of the woods in the northeastern quarter. I'm not even entirely certain how long I've been here. Its a lovely enchanted suite of rooms that really would be very nice for a retreat or a vacation. But after a while you get tired of talking to yourself and the scenery never changes. Did I mention the windows don't open? So yes I've got food and clothes and everything I could ever want thanks to a little enchanted chest in my sitting room, whoo-de-doo. I'm also alone and I could really really use a breath of fresh air!

Anyways I'm stuck here for the foreseeable future, maybe Dad will find a prince to save me but I kinda doubt it. So here I sit in the sitting room, brushing my hair. Even if I am short at least I have hair. Mounds and mounds of glistening ebony black hair. It takes forever to wash and style every day but its not like my father ever let me actually do much around the palace. Sure I was educated, barely enough to read. Oh sure I'm allowed to help around, you know I get to plan parties and make sure our silk cupboards are well provisioned. Lucky me. I could get a lot done if he would trust me, I mean I'm not stupid.

Usually while I brush my hair I think. I like to think and unfortunately it usually gets me in trouble. Like the time I figured out a way to bring fresh water through the castle and get rid of the pressing matter of our overfull cesspool. Well father wouldn't listen to me and he wouldn't listen to me. So I took the matter to the chief engineer, William, I did get him to listen to me at least and the matter was solved. Unfortunately when my father tried to reward the chief engineer William showed his true colors as a turn coat. Turns out William has a conscience and he told my father that he had nothing to do with the drafting of the plans, that I had come up with everything. My father was, to say the least displeased, princesses should never try their hands at plumbing. Poor William was fired and while the plumbing in the castle works great no one knows that I had anything to do with it.

And did I mention I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere and everyone back home is busy forgetting all about me? Did I mention the cute flying man standing outside my window? Wait, flying man? Ack! Yes that sound you just heard was me falling off my stool and landing in a disgruntled pile of fabric and hair and body limbs. Oh crap. As of thirty seconds ago I decided on a haircut. Seriously have you ever tried to push your way through yards and yards of silk like hair? Well if you haven't its a pain in the butt especially when you're trying to be sneaky about it so the flying peeping tom won't fall out of the sky laughing at you.

When I finally did manage the window ledge, he was still there, although no the guy was hovering at my eye line so the first thing I got shocked with was a pair of beautiful green eyes. Then I was back to cowering beneath the window sill. Before you laugh at me, may I remind you that I had been in this tower alone for an unknown number of time and the guy was flying! I was still cowering, hey I'm a princess I don't have to be the fearless warrior, that's who's supposed to be rescuing me, when I felt a brush of wind move a strand of my hair off my forehead. It felt to incredibly wonderful that I looked up again.

The window was open, gloriously so and before I knew it was standing in front of the window with my arms spread like wings. It had been an awfully long time since I had felt even the slightest breath of air that I was seriously enjoying the feeling of the wind in my hair again. Besides that flying whats-his-name was nowhere to be seen so I was feeling pretty much all right.

"Surely your life isn't bad enough that you want to jump out the window?" A light baritone voice spoke from behind me and as you probably guessed made me jump and subsequently fall out the wide open window. Well there I was merrily falling to my doom several hundred feet below me and trying to figure out if I had enough time to rig a parachute out of my hair when suddenly someone caught me in his arms. He was pretty smart about it too. He didn't grab me and yank me to a halt in midair, he caught me, matched my downward descent and then slowed it down until we landed on the soft forest lawn beneath my tower window. "Uh, I'm sorry about that." I looked up into his eyes. Miracle of miracles he was perhaps only a meager four inches taller than me. Unlike most of the men I have ever had the displeasure to stand beside, he put me at ease, since you know he wasn't towering over me.

"That's ok. I shouldn't have fallen out the window." My hand flew to my mouth blocking it before I said anything else. Yet another fault of mine is that I'm not soft spoken like a princess is supposed to be. Usually I blurt whatever's on my mind right out for the world to hear. And I do mean the world, I'm partially deaf in one ear and I can never manage that court whisper that is allowed to a princess, at least according to all the teachers in etiquette and I did have quite a lot growing up. I looked up into his eyes, again glad that I didn't have to crane my neck way the heck up. But his eyes didn't show displeasure, quite the opposite, he was looking oddly, happy.

"You're absolutely right. The fault is all on your shoulders." He almost laughed, but then like a flash of lightning his mood seemed to change. The man, for although he might not have been tall he was a man. A strapping blond haired hunk of a man with dreamy green eyes, but I digress. Anyway, all of a sudden he was looking at me like I was a "bad dog" if you know what I mean. "Care to tell me what you were doing trespassing in my tower?"

I blanched. No really I am quite certain that at this point all of the color simply fled from my face and hit the ground. If you visit the spot you can still see a lovely splash of red, blue and well whatever colors you would find on my face. Here my dad had thrown me in a tower to hide his shame and he hadn't even bothered to buy the thing? Or even find out who owned it? Just stuck me in the nearest possible one, sweeping me effectively off the map. And now here was the owner, obviously some kind of magician or sorcerer, I was in big trouble and where was my father? Nowhere around here, that was for certain! I think I mumbled something along the lines of this; 'I-I-I-I I'm sos-s-s-s-ssorry! I d-d-d-didn't know! S-s-s-someone l-l-l-locked m-me u—up there!' But probably less coherent. Lucky for me Mr. Wizard understand the language of Foot-In-The-Mouth, which is a difficult language to understand but luckily for me not so difficult to speak.

"Hey! Whoa, ok calm down. Here sit down huh?" He took up my elbows in his hands, his warm manly hands, darnit! Sorry that I keep doing that, anyway. He led me over to a log and helped me sit down which was really good timing on his part because I was seriously ready to faint. "Someone locked you away up there? Who would do such a thing?" I of course couldn't speak and besides a headache was seriously pounding in my skull. All I wanted to do was crawl under my covers and hide for, oh I don't know, forever?

He started pacing, I was getting tired referring to him as 'he' by the way. I considered trying to guess his name. Bob? No, no one that handsome could be called such a lowly name. No this angel of a man deserved a truly lofty name so that whenever women would hear his name they would melt. They would certainly melt at the sight of him. Maybe something like Andrea Boticelli? I was interrupted in my musings when he shoved an odd little yellow flower underneath my nose. Now a botanist I am not, so I had no idea that the flower was a dandelion. Sad I know, but the truth.

"Here, this will help your headache." I sniffed the flower experimentally and immediately sneezed. Unfortunately, it wasn't a delicate little 'a-choo' it was more of an 'A-CHOO!!!' and I almost fell off the log. Lucky for me Mr. Talldarkandmysterious was there to steady me, then offer his handkerchief. He sank down on his haunches in front of me. "No you silly girl, you eat the flower." He took a pinch off the flower and put it in his mouth to demonstrate, personally I think he was shaming. Who eats flowers anyways? And had he just called me silly? Why I was almost, well ok thanks to my time spent in purgatory I had no idea how old I was, but I knew I wasn't a girl. Maybe it was the clothes I had picked out? I was wearing a shift to be perfectly honest with you, and I think it was see-through if my memory is correct. And all my hair was down so maybe that's why he assumed I was young. Whatever the point is, the guy was gorgeous and I didn't really care if he was pulling my leg I would gladly eat a flower for him.

I bit the entire flower, ok so it wasn't that big, off the stem and started to chew. Not gonna lie to you, it didn't taste so good. But he was watching so I made a point of swallowing the flower before it was all the way chewed up. I needed a glass of water. I saw a stream a little ways away across the clearing, it really was quite pretty here at the base of my tower. I was really pretty certain that he wouldn't get any of it for me, so I threw my hair over an arm so it wouldn't drag on the ground and walked to the stream. Mr. LookatmeI'msogorgeous, didn't say a thing, though he did stand and follow me to the stream. When I would have knelt to sip from the stream itself, he put a hand on my shoulder and with a wave of his hand. And I'm being perfectly honest here, I like to be perfectly honest. Without so much as a fizz, a pop or even some magical sparkly bits floating in the air, a chalice appeared in his hand. He bent and filled the cup from the stream and handed it to me with an over-elegant bow.

Well this kind of made me giggle, further perpetrating the little girl look I suppose, and curtsied grandly, my hair still swung over my right arm like a cape. I accepted the chalice and sipped at the water for a moment. But really we were alone, I had just eaten a flower in front of the man and I was really thirsty. He laughed out loud when I threw my head back and guzzled the contents in a most unladylike manner. I didn't care though he had a really nice laugh. I threw the chalice to the ground and pretended not to notice that it never hit the ground but faded away to nothingness. Then I looked at him and made a 'turn-around' motion with my finger. He obeyed looking at me curiously as he did so. When his back was facing me I jumped up onto it, like for a pony ride when you were younger? He grunted in shock but didn't drop me. Instead his hands went to my bare thighs, bare because they had been pushed up by me jumping on him and my shift riding up to almost around my middle.

"To my tower, noble steed!" I clucked in his ear, my arms clutching his chest as I poked at him with my ankles. He laughed again, what a wonderful laugh! And suddenly we were flying. The ride didn't last very long, all too soon we were back in my sitting room but I was privately overjoyed. Really I had almost had too much for one day after so much nothingness. I climbed down from his back, I would say gracefully but the truth of the matter was there was nothing graceful about it. He turned to look at me, his eyes still dancing with laughter and swept me another gallant bow.

"Since you are somewhat dependent upon my hospitality, would it be all right if I called upon you again, my lady?" Now here was the part where I gave him my name. You will have no idea how tempting it was to give him a grand sweeping name like Guenevere or Gwendolyn, I've always favored G-names. But I was the bigger man, or princess, whatever and gave him my true name.

"Princess Rapunzel. Of course you may, if you truly wish to visit me again, anytime that you wish." I curtsied to him, low much lower than a princess should ever curtsy but I was feeling a little lightheaded. He nodded and kissed my hand. I'd never had someone do that before, though I had read about it many tales and seen it happen to other girls.

"And I am Duke Gregory, of the Council of Mages. I shall call upon you again." He dropped the court manner and looked pensively at the windows for a moment before turning back to look at me. "If I leave the windows unlocked, will you promise not to fall out?" I excitedly promised that I wouldn't and then in a flash he was gone. I tried to watch him flying off, but he flew into the sun almost immediately and I lost sight of him. More's the pity. He really had been quite handsome.

At this point I had to sit down before I fell down. Can you say whew? I mean I'd been doing nothing for so long and now this gorgeous man, with a wonderful beautiful sweeping 'G' name, literally fell out of the sky. And he wasn't running away from me. He acted silly around me, and I liked finally being able to be myself around someone else. It was at this point that I realized I was mooning over him. My gods!! Why I have never mooned over a man in my entire life! And just because he gave me the time of day I can't stop thinking about those green eyes, laughing with me not at me if you know what I mean.

With a disgusted groan I pushed myself to my feet, leaving the window flung wide open and enjoying that at least. Even while I tried to get some man whom I didn't even know out of my head. I walked to my chest braiding my hair as I went, really the stuff was getting a bit much. It dragged on the floor for at least a foot and all of it was very heavy. But there was not one thing sharp anywhere in this tower to cut my hair with. I sighed and considered asking Gregory to bring me some shears, then I almost screamed in frustration as I realized I'd started thinking about him, again! When I had promised not to do that! I groaned in frustration and thought of a pant, a shirt and some books. I opened the chest and shook my head. I had gotten two romances and only one book on science. Damn.

I changed quickly into the pants and shirt and threw the romances, really do you think that's what I should have been reading at just that moment? No, exactly. So I pulled out the science and read a lovely book about astronomy while I sat in front of the window and felt the breeze blow against my skin. Wouldn't it be wonderful if Gregory's hands were running up my arms, caressing as the breeze? AGH!


	2. Chapter 2

**I've been a little stuck on where to go next with the story writing wise, here I've played around with writing from Gregory's pov but I'm not sure this works and I might need to stick with Rapunzel's pov. Thanks for all the great reviews I got and I'd really love to hear what you think! Thanks so much in advance. -Lora, or in other words The Author**

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I won't torture you with all my trials of not thinking about Gregory and failing miserably every two seconds. Instead I'll skip ahead three days when he came back to me. Let me say that one more time; he came back to me. 

I was sitting by the open window, my eyes shut as the sun burned my eyelids a bright, glowing red. I was singing softly to myself because the sun was warm and I was happy. I had always loved singing, I know you look at me and go, her? No way does that little thing have enough lungs to sing. But I do enjoy it, even more than brushing my hair. Which by the way I still have been unable to find a single pair of scissors. Its getting a little annoying. Probably set into the spells of this place. I don't get sharp or pointy objects, go figure no one trusts me. I was just thinking that perhaps I could ask Gregory, (and yes I said that even in my mind with a flowing tongue and a smile on my face) to bring me a pair when I caught the scent of lilacs. My eyes flew open and there he was before me with a bouquet of lilacs that he was holding out to me. 

I almost swooned. No one had ever given me flowers before and I tried to keep the blush from my features and failed miserably. He swept me a gallant bow and handed the bouquet to me, sailing down to kneel on one knee in front of me, I sat up like a queen at audience wondering what he was playing at.

"Fair lady I do beg your forgiveness for my absence. I had other pressing matters but I swear to you my lady that you were upon my mind every moment that I was away, say that you will forgive me and I will not do away with myself." I couldn't help it I fell into a giggling fit but I managed to accept the bouquet and accept his apology. Hiding my second blush when he confessed to thinking about me while he was gone from my tower, in the fragrant purple blossoms. Finally able to control myself I looked down on him, Gregory was still on bended knee in front of me. And I know that it is grotesque and if I had been someone else I would have thrown up promptly at the silly way he was acting, and worse how I was reacting. 

But it was cute and sweet and Gregory's eyes were so warm as they searched mine. 

"What shall we do today my knight?" Nicknames are a cute way to tell someone that you like them, even if I've never been courted I do know the intricacies of the dance. And so I endeavored to flirt with him while hiding my blushes from him.

**Gregory's POV;**

I could not believe the way I was acting, I was the youngest mage on the council in over a hundred years, I was respected for my maturity and level head. Yet this little woman had me acting the part of the fool and I was willingly loving every minute of it. From the moment that I spied here in my tower from then on there was not a doubt in my mind, I had found the other half of my heart. She was beautiful, sinfully so with her raven dark hair that was so long I wondered that she did not tumble backwards from the weight of it. She was intelligent too, when she told me of her engineering streak and the problems it had caused to a young princess I was impressed. Here was a mind that was a challenge to mine and I found myself smiling every moment that I was in her presence. And when I had had to stay away for three agonizing days, smiling like an idiot with every moment as I had a new thought of her. 

How her hair had looked blowing in the light wind from the open window. How her eyes snapped to a bright bright green when she was teasing me. How her legs had felt wrapped around me while I flew her back up to her tower like a noble steed. How her mouth begged to be kissed and her eyelashes would brush her cheeks like a lovers caress. 

Everyone I knew was convinced I was either crazy or possessed but I had not a care in the world except for this woman's happiness. The only problem was that she was a princess and I a mere mage. She might amuse herself while she was resting from the strain of the court by flirting with me but I knew it would not last. Yet I couldn't have stopped myself if I had tried. I spent far longer with her than I should have, sitting by the open window and just talking with her.

I told her about my mother, who had been an ingenious sorceress who had taught herself magic and had passed everything on to her only child. A bastard born to one of her paying customers, but still she had always said that I was the greatest joy in her life and she would see me become a great man and a great wizard. I told her of the cough that had consumed her life and snuffed out the flame behind her eyes while I was still a young adolescent. Never before had I spoken of any of this to anyone but I felt myself loving her more with every moment that I spent in her company and I couldn't help but bare my heart and soul to her the only way I knew how; with my words. 

For her part she listened to what I said and was appropriately sympathetic with my sad life's tale and crowed with laughter at my silly stories, a laugh that perhaps would have caused a second glance or even a scandal at court brought a smile to my face because of its sincerity and the happiness on her face. When I ran out of things to talk about it was nearing sunset and I knew that I had to return home to the capitol or I would be in danger of missing meetings with some of the lords that payed me handsomely for my services. I looked down guiltily and her small porcelain hand laid itself on top of mine and forced my eyes to meet hers. 

"I've monopolized all of your time haven't I?" Her voice was sweet, and while I would never tell her so I had listened outside the window to her singing for quite some time before I had interrupted, she had a beautiful voice unmatched by any of the city singers. 

"I have other responsibilities, much as I would love to spend all of my time here in this peaceful tower with such a beautiful princess." I made my words over-gallant, playing the courtly version of love rather than the pure feelings in my heart. It made my heart cry out in pain not to take this miniature beauty in my arms right this minute and tell her all that lay inside that silly organ of mine that I had neglected for far, far too long.

"Then you must go, perhaps if you have some more time soon, you could come visit me again." She sounded wistful and I searched her eyes, seeing a note of hope in her eyes, hope but also despair. Did she think I would not return? How could I not when the air I breathed now smelled always of her, a constant reminder of her beauty and elegance. 

"My lady, I will come again as soon as I may." I vowed with large flowery words and bent over her hand, placing a kiss to the smooth skin my lips crying out for her lips instead. 

After Gregory had sailed off into the sky and I watched him till I could no longer see him, I shut the window for the night and went to my bedroom to prepare for bed. My head was buzzing with the day and the heady kiss he had placed on my hand. I held my hand close to my chest, cradling it as if it had become suddenly quite dear. I thought fleetingly of simply trying not to think about him. But that would have been too hard and besides he was so wonderful. 


End file.
